Is it okay to hook up in college

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  4. Hookup Culture: The Unspoken Rules Of Sex On College Campuses | WUWM

College students are actually not having more sex than their parents did a generation ago.

But something has changed, not just in what students do or what they don't do but in how they think. I have students who have had sex many times drunk but have never held someone's hand. If casual sex was taboo a generation ago, emotional intimacy has become taboo today. It's something to be explored in secret, maybe even something to be ashamed about. I think it feels bad to be used. But I think the alternative is that nobody wants to use you.

And I think that that's worse.

How to Approach a Girl in College

Lisa Wade is a sociologist at Occidental College. In her book "American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus," Lisa interviews college students and finds that hookup culture has a complex set of social rules. She says these rules threaten the emotional well-being of students, those who embrace the culture and those who want nothing to do with it.

Lisa, thanks for joining me on Hidden Brain today. We spoke with several students in your book, Lisa, and we're going to hear from them in this conversation. One of the things that kept coming up was that there's no one definition of what hooking up actually is. It can mean a variety of things, from making out to having sex. But for all the ambiguity, there does seem to be a clear set of guidelines when it comes to how students should hookup. You know, it's funny because the ideology around hookups is that they're supposed to be spontaneous.

And the fact is that there's a pretty rigid set of rules for how hookups happen.

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Many of them, probably most of them, start at parties where there's drinking. And the way to initiate it is through dancing. And so usually in these heterosexual encounters, women will initiate the dancing by going into the middle of the dance floor and then in a very sort of gender traditional way, hope that someone picks her and comes up along behind her. Sometimes the woman doesn't even know who is behind her, which creates a conundrum because part of hooking up is trying to hook up with people that your friends approve of and think are, like, a good catch.

And so often she's dancing, someone comes up behind her and then what she'll do is she'll look across the circle to one of her girlfriends and try to get some indication as to whether or not she should continue. Let's talk some more about this idea that hookups are a way to win the approval of your friends.

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You're saying that some hookups move you up the social pecking order and others move you down? Hookups are decidedly not about finding any sort of romantic connection and suggesting that it should be or that one is doing it for that reason is tantamount to breaking a social rule. They're often not so much about pleasure in particular for women. They're very much about status. So the idea is to be able to brag about or having sort of gotten someone who other people might also wish they could have gotten.

So it's all about being able to say, I got that guy over there or that person that everyone's looking for, I managed to be the one who hooked up with him tonight. One of the unspoken rules you talk about in "Hookup Culture" is that it's really important that the hookup be meaningless. One of the young men we spoke with described a situation that almost seems Kafkaesque. We really liked each other, but she would not have sex with me.

But I also knew that she was hooking up with someone. And this was such a confusing concept, which is that people will have sex with people that they don't like but won't have sex with people that they do like.

Hookup culture

And, of course, what this young man is saying, he can't understand why this young woman who likes him and that he likes is having sex with someone else whom she doesn't like but won't have sex with him. What the students are confronted with is this artificial binary between careless and careful sex. On the one hand, we have this idea that when we get into romantic relationships, we're supposed to be loving and kind.

And the sex that happens in those kinds of relationships is very committed. And on the other hand, we have this concept of casual sex, which is the opposite of that. And that means that all of the kindnesses that go along with romantic relationships are considered off script once casual sex is on the table. So if two students are going to hook up together and they want it to be meaningless, then they have to do some work to make sure that both they and everyone else understands that we're over in this meaningless camp and not this powerfully meaningful one.

And so to sort of convince themselves and other people or to show themselves and other people that it was meaningless, they have to find a way to perform meaningless. And they do that by, for example, making sure that they're drunk or they appear to be drunk when they hook up. So my students actually speak in pretty hushed tones about sober sex.

Sober sex is very serious. But if the students have been drinking, then that helps send the message that it's meaningless. Another way is to make sure that they don't hook up with the same person very many times. So if they really don't like the person in a romantic way, just hook up once, maybe twice and then cut it off. And then the third thing they have to do to try to establish this meaninglessness is to sort of give that person a demotion in their lives afterward. The idea that it's meaningless means that we're also not supposed to care about that person at all and in any way.

You talk in the book about how even though, you know, talk about hookups is ubiquitous on college campuses, that doesn't necessarily reflect how much of it is actually going on. So there's a lot of consternation about the students' sexual activity. But it turns out that they are no more sexually active by most measures than their parents were at their age.

The average graduating senior has hooked up eight times in four years. So that's once a semester. And half of those hookups are with someone they've hooked up with before. And in fact, about a third of students won't hook up even a single time their entire college career. But that doesn't mean that they're not surrounded by these really powerful ideas about what they should be doing. And it doesn't mean that they can change how their peers interact with them or the way in which higher education works.

So even though campus hookup culture might actually be something that is endorsed by a relatively small number of people who are enthusiasts, one of the points you make is that these are people who often come from groups who have traditionally had a lot of power and privilege in society. About 15 percent of students really, really, truly enjoy hookup culture.

It gives them exactly what they want out of college. And studies show that if you ask those students - and they're the students that are hooking up the most - if you ask them if they're having a good time, they say, yes. And I believe them. About a third of students are completely opted out. The rest of the students are somewhere in the middle, and they're ambivalent about the idea of casual sex.

But if you look at the students who enjoy hookup culture the most, those students are disproportionately going to be heterosexual, white, come from an upper middle class or wealthy background. If you're interested, give your number instead; you can always see each other another time.

Hookup Culture: The Unspoken Rules Of Sex On College Campuses | WUWM

Hooking up should be fun, not stressful. No one should tell them what is right. Hooking up with someone, especially if you are going home with them for the first time, is your decision. If you feel bad rejecting someone, try a simple, yet to-the-point response: Always have a game plan for the night.

Knowing what time you're going to leave and what friend you're going to leave with ahead of time prepares you with a reasonable excuse if someone asks you to go home with them and you're not feeling it. But if you or someone you are with decides to go back to a hook-up's place, avoid going alone if this is the first time you two have met. Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Sure, your hook-up might not love the fact that someone's third-wheeling, but if that's what makes you feel comfortable, don't make any exceptions.

Get as many details as you can. Everything from their name and address, to if they have roommates or what their hobbies are, could reveal safety information you need to know. After all, you're entering a private residence with someone you don't know—which, regardless of what time of day it is, whether or not you've been drinking and what you're there for, can be a risk. And if someone is set on exploiting their peers, they can use that. What advice would you give them? The first piece of advice I would give is that it might seem like everyone is doing it, and everyone is enjoying it.

Can you unpack that a bit? And, on the college campuses in hookup culture, that includes letting loose of all of your inhibitions about sexuality, and all of your internalized repression. And that is a lot; there is a very strong argument there not just for the opportunity to be casually sexual, but the imperative to do so, as a truly modern, liberated person. I wish I was like them. Do colleges -- the official institutions, themselves -- participate in, or endorse, or are they complicit in, this culture in any way?

Colleges at first, in the colonial era in America, were very staid, very stodgy. And they were mostly about helping middle-class men become ministers. And they were also very religious.

And then that got democratized. But we had already decided that colleges were a space for young people to go wild starting around the s. And then after " Animal House" the alcohol industry spent millions of dollars to convince us that students in college should be drinking. Now that they know they have to provide that to students, they use it as a marketing tool.

And that I think is a mistake. Because then colleges decide to abdicate themselves from any responsibility for the social life that they are exploiting to bring students to campus, and that is the primary source of all kinds of dangerous things. I mean, yes, these big parties are a primary source of sexual assault, but also dangerous binge drinking and alcohol poisonings and accidents including things like falling off a roof and out of windows -- fatal and disabling accidents.

These are very, very dangerous spaces. Philip Eil is a freelance journalist based in Providence, Rhode Island.