- 10 Things He’ll Say If He’s Only Stringing You Along | Thought Catalog
- 10 Signs They Are Stringing You Along
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Our knees get weak and our spirit frolics when we are considered special by a man. How many girls has he loved anyway? This kind of deception should give you the signal that this guy must have different levels of loving, which, logically speaking, is impossible. Otherwise, the guy must be sugarcoating the fact that he just played with the others.
10 Things He’ll Say If He’s Only Stringing You Along | Thought Catalog
I hope his answer is positive. It rather implies that he, as a man, knows how to plan with and for you. He can always consult you to consider things better, anyway. Letting you decide all the way could mean apathy. Is he really interested in what you guys are sharing your moments together? If yes, then he should take part. He should know how to lead. Because leading is a sign of maturity.
Why yes, a home date is incomparable.
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It makes you appreciate each other more. But hey, he should also have the desire to take you out. He must want to show you off to the world and enjoy the world with you. Home dates and going out should be special alike as he knows you also deserve to enjoy a wider variety of things. He knows you deserve to be treated like a queen. He is after your happiness. It will be so random that you both should consider it lightly, causing no fight or jealousy. Is he protecting his ego? Is it still affecting him? He must be willing to reveal his whole self to you. He must risk telling you everything if he really wants to prove his love for you.
If he is serious with you then he must be willing to pour himself out. Women who are married to a person with borderline or narcissistic traits often end up feeling strung along—often for years. Well, you do it too. Why are you always so negative? People with borderline and narcissistic traits want to stay in a relationship, but they are significantly challenged in their ability to change, see your point of view, or understand your feelings.
They go through the motions, and they make a lot of excuses for their offensive behavior, always promising that things will be better—or that things are already better. You end up feeling strung along hoping for change, growth, insight, and real connection. It always seems just over the horizon. They sometimes do change their negative or hurtful behaviors—for a time—but they seem to inevitably go back to their preferred method of being in the world—self-centered on their own wants and needs.
Decide also what you want or need to do if the negative behaviors continue past your tolerance point. What actions are YOU willing to take to deal with the issues? Threatening and pleading never work in the long run. Which implies a lack of motivation or a lack of ability. Waiting for decades for your partner to change, only makes your life more frustrating and unsatisfied. Whether we are dating or just in a friendship, it is a sensitive issue and hard to deal with the nagging question — "Am I just being strung along here?
A relationship is a two way street. Make rules for yourself that dictate when and how someone deserves your prioritized attention. I could do the same for them. Protect your soft spots. Meeting your family, going to your favorite places together, buying them a meaningful gift.
Use words of compassion and understanding to describe your experience. Can you try responding to my questions and conversation starters? With most of my clients in this situation, I ask them to clear their mind of any particular person and tell me what they want from a friend or mate.
Know that it is OK to be upset and to share your feelings and expectations. It refers to constant texting with a person without initiating dates.
Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between him taking it slow or being strung along. But most of the time we can feel it in our gut when we are played: Those are only a few signs. We all know at least a friend, if not ourselves, that has been in that position. I've had some pretty and intelligent clients on my couch who fell time after time for the wrong kind of guy.
They pleased him, were always available, changed their own plans to fit into his, waited hours, were woken up in the middle of the night, …When the guy left them, drained, it felt like all their efforts never had mattered.
10 Signs They Are Stringing You Along
It's heartbreaking when they sit in front of you, not understanding why they were dumped, doubting themselves, craving for his attention and brightening up with the slightest sign of interest from him. When I hear my clients talk about these guys it sounds a lot like they fell for narcissists, guys who go for low investment, trying to extract as much as possible without doing much to deserve it. Some guys prey on girls who are broken, have low self-esteem, and look desperate. Are they really desperate? Not necessarily, sometimes they are determined girls who don't like to give up, patient, naive maybe, who don't see they are just a turf on a guys list, or an easy source of attention.
Do you try to make the best out of it or do you leave? Get honest with yourself and look for a pattern. My advice to clients is always to look into their own unconscious motives. Do you look for validation from this standoffish guy and will you feel worthy when he finally comes around and commits?
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Does your validation only come from outside sources and not from your own self-worth and identity? I had several clients who had been overweight during their adolescence and finally after loosing a lot of weight and being found attractive not knowing the difference between real attention and being used. If dating these non-committing people stems from self-esteem issues, then work on developing a sense of confidence and worthiness.
Find something to do in your life, fill it with healthy activities that make you happy, help yourself grow and be yourself. The best thing you can do is have healthy boundaries and take care of yourself.
Be ready to leave and find a better fit. Ask yourself the question: Subconscious we feel that these narcissistic guys are hurt and that their ego serves as a coping mechanism. He can feel entitled as a cover up for a sense of defectiveness. He avoids true intimacy because of mistrust issues in his childhood. Sensitive or empathic women can feel the pain he has inside and want to fix him. He needs his ego to cover the pain. Pleasing him and trying to fill his void will not ease his pain.
It will feed his ego, a coping mechanism that was helpful when he was a boy to survive, but now works against him, against you and against the relationship you try to have. First you have to recognize that nobody is meant to be a savior for their partner. People can only make changes when they are ready; when they want to change; when they see the need for it themselves. By trying to save somebody you take away their responsibilities, their learning process. Do I need a damaged person so I will feel less damaged myself?
Am I trying to help somebody so I can deflect from my own problems? For better and for worse. Is leaving the only option? Well, as a therapist we can never tell somebody what to do. We can only give advice. In case you consciously decide to stay, just know that it takes patience to support somebody who is not emotionally available. Have things to do that protect you against his strings. It might be the necessary reaction he needs in life to make change possible. Have healthy boundaries and speak up when you feel rejected. Help him find ways to feel more self-connected: Wondering whether or not someone loves you the way that you love them is such a heart wrenching place to be.
Because what if you say something and it pushes them away? What if they leave? As I write this, I can recall a particular relationship I was in with someone before I became a therapist. We saw each other intimately and spent some time doing other date-like activities but it was not exclusive. I wanted a real partnership and so I would eventually push him away, trying to move on, and it was always during those moments that he would profess his desire for me. It was the final straw.
But it took me over 4 years to get there and I needed a therapist to help me deal with the aftermath. Becoming a therapist and learning about relationship dynamics taught me so much that I wish I knew at that time so I share with you now and hope that some of it can be useful. Do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want it to be exclusive? Do you want to be moving towards marriage or building some kind of future together? What are your relationship goals and desires?
Interpersonal Psychotherapy teaches how conflict between partners often arise due to unmet expectations. So take some time for yourself and reflect on what you expect from an ideal, healthy relationship. A big part of a fulfilling healthy relationship is having the space to openly share how you feel and have the other person listen to you in a respectful manner. So once you know what you want, I encourage you to share it. I know this is easier said than done. It can be so difficult to be vulnerable and if you are with someone who you think is stringing you along then you will definitely be taking a risk that they could reject you.
But there is so much power in being assertive and direct. Regardless of how the other person responds, you have advocated for yourself and that is always a good thing. This is why you are getting strung along in the first place, right? Try exploring what makes it difficult for them to commit to the relationship. Growing up in a home with chaotic and unhealthy family dynamics or having been abused in previous relationships can sometimes make it difficult for a person to engage in healthy relationship behaviors.
Having these issues all by themselves does not make the relationship salvageable but if the other person is able to acknowledge these issues and make a commitment to work on them with you and maybe the help of a therapist then maybe you can work on a future together. The fourth and last thing to ask yourself is probably the hardest question. This goes back to that heart wrenching moment of deciding when to leave a relationship. For me, leaving and walking away was the best thing I ever did but it still took me many tries to get there and it was incredibly painful.
Whatever you decide to do, I implore you to be compassionate towards yourself. If the relationship does end, please know that there is nothing wrong with you and you are not unlovable. You are brave and you love intensely and you deserve to have someone love you in return with the same ferocity. There are other people out there looking for the same thing and you can find them! Seek out support from your friends and family.
Maybe set up an appointment with a therapist. If you prioritize your happiness, you will find others who will prioritize it too. Yes, I know, you maybe mad now while reading this. I most certainly do not want to beat up and scold you. But I DO want to touch on the word accountability. Now that you are aware that this non-committal relationship is going nowhere fast, what do YOU do to ensure that you are not continuing in this fragmented union? If you are not being cognizant of who you are and what you are worth, how can anyone else honor you the way you should be honored?
Well ask some of those real questions. Is this what you want? Is he emotionally available for truly cultivating a serious commitment? Are YOU really emotionally available? Did you put yourself first and honor your values, beliefs, and desires? Setting boundaries is such a fine dance. We should have boundaries in all relationships. Did you have clear and set boundaries within this relationship or were they non-existent? Did you even have boundaries? Were these healthy boundaries? If you start to dig deeper and be honest with yourself, you just may uncover some answers.
You should learn to know what your limits and deal-breakers are even within a relationship. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.
So be kind to yourself and work on this area. You maybe shocked to find out just how empowering this could be. So if you have received a lightbulb moment and feel you are being strung along, its important to know that you have the right to discuss what your expectations are in a relationship. Speak about what you are looking for within this relationship.
Your partner is so much of what you want in your life! Things seem to be going so well, and yet, you just never seem to get to the next step; the next level. What are you doing wrong? We have only have control over our own pieces, including determining whether or not this person is qualified to be our partner. Everyone has a set of terms for relationship, whether or not they have thought them through. This brings nothing but pain and pointless struggle. It is ultimately disrespectful to both people. Love and disrespect are incompatible. It could be that the person you are with is an absolutely wonderful person… who is right for someone else.
We determine for ourselves what we want in relationship. Our healthiest relationships will be ones in which both partners terms are compatible. Sometimes we have compatible terms for relationship but fear keeps us from moving forward. We may unconsciously sabotage the relationship because we are afraid of the deeper vulnerability that comes from moving to the next step together. If you reveal your deeper self to someone else, that person does, in fact, have the ability to hurt you more profoundly.
You would be wise to see how they do with less threatening disclosures. If the person is trustworthy with less volatile material, it may be worth it to trust them with things that are more vulnerable. There is no feeling in the world like sharing something painful, difficult or embarrassing with someone and finding that the person is right there with you, not judging you and still loving you just the same. It helps us own the freedom to be more authentic with ourselves and with others. It could be that the other person has been both afraid, and afraid to talk about being afraid.
If this is your situation, you might be on the precipice of a life-changing conversation that brings you both closer together and ready to move forward. Talking the issues through together with a counselor can create the kind of emotional safety you need to both say and hear the hard things about your relationship. A good counselor will help you hear each other, be empathic toward one another, and decide together what your healthiest choices are. You might find that the person you love with all of your heart really is not trustworthy with your deeper self.